What is it that I need to live???
Oxygen and you.
Theres gota be something I can make thats toxic
Theres those pills behind the mirror
Bleach in the halway closet, bottom shelf
… I cant Breath
this grief is suffocating
i cling to the image in my head… that your guna turn that truck around and come back I sit by the window, but i dont look out i guess some part of me knows your already home and i wait by the phone and listen to slow songs… about how hearts just break and theres no explaining it at all If i fall asleep or i dont either way’s fine if the sun decides to stay away i dont mind if everything goes wrong at one time… if i lose myself to sadness and this mind its obvious i dont see the stars at night i have difficulty breathing when i look at my life… but ill be alright all i need you to know right now is your worth it everything means nothing without your smile the whole world could end and that’d be fine if your hand was in mine i know… i know… the good things dont come easy that it gets worse and worse and better that perfect life dosnt exist but your words make me feel it can and thats enough its enought to live in the gray for a little while its enough to sink in sad songs for now its enough for you to hold me in your arms its enough to be so close and see the endless deep green ocean of your eyes its enough right now just to know your mine, love
…if there is one good thing I read in that horrible book tonight, its this.
“Our lives teach us who we are…”
“Did some things you can’t speak of
But at night you live it all again
You wouldn’t be shattered on the floor now
If only you would seen what you know now then
Time turns flames to embers
You’ll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never too late to be brand new
It’s alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
who you are is not where you’ve been
It’s okay, life is a tough crowd
22, and still growin’ up now
Who you are is not what you did
You’re still an innocent.”
I need to go to the ocean again…
I need to walk for miles and miles and just stare at the endlessness of it
so it can remind me how very small I am…
how my problems, my life, my feelings… everything im surrounded by
is so insignificant in comparison.
how one day i’ll be sand…
well karl… i hope when I die, someone has sense enough to just throw me in a ditch or somthing…. a river, the ocean, a green moss covered swamp. Funerals are much too expensive & my current LIFE INSURANCE policy will only cover the endless student loans that are currently devouring my paychecks… & as for a Will…. they’r just things… i dono why anyone wud want them… i dono why I want them… :o)
“We have only THIS moment, sparkling like a star in our hand… and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late.” - Marie Ray
I… I don’t really know how to fix all the things i’ve already messed up… but im gunna work on not making anymore mistakes. and i just switched pens with Anne because this one writes better.
I guess I could die tomorrow so I must quit being afraid.
“I’m good at it, i’ve mastered it… avoiding, avoiding everything.” I have no ending and i don’t know… if i ever really started.
Joy is not made to be a crumb.
-Mary Oliver
december 25th, 2010
michigan
i need to feel amazing…
i need to feel like im doing something great for someone else again
i need to stop drinking wine and feed the homeless
i need to stop taking smoke breaks and writing songs
i need to clean it all up, put everything away and behind
i need to work
every once of what i do have towards it
towards away, forward to the good
i wish it wasn’t so far…
the good
scattering like tiny mice away from
the sound of my steps
